Scattered thoughts

Had any set-backs lately?  I have…..

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Knitting on this gorgeous Ravens scarf, about 4 feet into the process I realized that I’d omitted an “N” a foot-and-a-half back. OUCH!!!

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Having to rip out my progress and correct my mistake was a reminder that we all have set-backs.  The beauty of grace is that after recognizing our mistakes, we can correct them, move forward with our lessons learned, and still create something beautiful.  :)

This may sound weird, but I feel totally blessed to have the ability to create items for people. 

I’ve always enjoyed the look on someone’s face when they open a gift, but that experience pales in comparison to the beams emitted by someone who has received an item that was handcrafted with them in mind.

Whether I personally know the recipient of the items I create or they were designed in collaboration with the gift-giver, the fact that I’m allowed to be involved in the process of warming someone’s heart puts me on cloud nine!

A Smile by Katie Booker
“It helps you through the day,
It wipes your tears away,
It’s a simple little thing,
That can make a single heart ring,
A sign of joy without the pain,
An umbrella from the pounding rain,
Worn with style,
Can take you more than a mile,
A smile has it’s own life,
Can make people forget about their strife,
Can take you places,
And brighten faces,
When the clouds are ready to close in,
A smile will help a dear friend,
So remember out there,
When you think no one cares,
A smile is a sign, of a love so divine,
It will last forever,
Something always to treasure!!”

(check out the author’s gorgeous smile….  I love this kid woman!)

One of the advantages of having few blog followers is the freedom you have to be candid:

That being said, I’ll be honest.  I’ve had a rough couple of months.  I’ve been dealing with some personal issues that have really tried my patience.  Many times I wondered if I was handling my storm appropriately.

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Today I can tell you that, while I’m in the midst of my storm, I have peace.  Last night it hit me - Love is a gift!  Wow, you’re probably thinking.  Every elementary school kid knows that.  While that may be true do we truly understand the implications of that fact?

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See, when you give a gift from the heart the main purpose is to enrich the life of the recipient and be a blessing to them; not to gain recognition or for reciprocation.  So what hit me last night was that when I have given love in the past I had an expectation that I was owed love in return.  The reality is that I had a false expectation.  While everyone deserves and needs love, it is not a given that you will receive just because you give.  (Think of all the people who have wanted to date you in your life…. do you owe every one of them the kind of love they bestowed on you?)

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That being said having the wisdom to know that my joy comes from giving love and being a blessing, and not necessarily receiving it back, is a lovely feeling.  Showing others love, regardless of the response, should feel like seeing a child open a gift on Christmas morning.

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What would you say is the strongest force on earth?  Money, fame, status?  I say it’s none of the above.  It’s something so simple, yet so hard to find.  Something that the tiniest babies are born with but the most powerful people in the world can lack - LOVE!.

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I’m not being sappy.  In fact, I’m completely sure of the power of love.  Love must be the strongest force on Earth (great commandment, heellllloooooo).  Love has the power to lift up and the power to destroy.  A small dose of love can bring someone down off a cliff, while withholding it can just as easily send someone over it.

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I’m of the opinion that we should love much and love often.  Every single one of us deserves to be loved!  So, if you want to harness extraordinary power today, tell someone you love them.  Oh and by the way, I love you! :)

How many times have you heard “Well… you need to be the bigger person”.  Probably a million.  And at least half of that million may have come from your very own lips.  I know I tell it to myself on an almost daily basis.

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Let me give you a couple of words of wisdom - Being the bigger person is a bummer.  The smaller person never goes “Wow.  That was quite mature of you.  I really appreciate your sensitivity and grace”.   Nope.  You’ll never get anything even vaguely along those lines.  At least not in the heat of the moment (or month as the case may be). 

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So why bother?  Chances are no one will appreciate it and if you’re truly the bigger person you can’t even come back and say “I told you so”.  The answer is simple - ‘cause it’s the right thing to do.  Yes, it’s tiring.  Yes, it’s thankless.  But I promise you that Someone is watching.  That alone makes it worth it.

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So, if you’re like me and getting a little warn out on the “bigger person” route, here’s the recognition you’ve always deserved!   :)

I’m usually a pretty bubbly person, but right now I’m discouraged.  As it often seems when I try to make strides in one area another falls apart.  I’ll pull no punches, it stinks.  I’m crying every day and I don’t have the answers.  I don’t know how to fix what’s broken.

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What I do know is that anything worth having is worth fighting for.  So as I cry, I remember those times in basic training; when I was unsure; when my confidence was low; when I was desperate for hope.  What I discovered at the end of those times is that pain is temporary.  When you care about something, when it is a priority - YOU DON’T QUIT!  You don’t quit just because the journey is difficult; because it’s not turning out the way you planned; because you’re uncomfortable.  What if Harriet Tubman quit?  What if Marten Luther King Jr. quit? What if Jesus quit?

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So I persevere.  Does it mean I don’t get weary, that I don’t need encouragement, that I won’t cry.  Absolutely NOT!  But will I quit?  NEVER!

Ask me what my weaknesses are and I’ll probably rattle off a list that includes cleaning house, managing time, and listening.  However, my biggest weakness is saying “no”.  I’m so horrible at saying “no” that I have a dentist that is 30 minutes away.  Not because there isn’t a fantastic dentist within minutes of my home (who cares for my husband and children), but because I can’t muster up the strength to tell him that he’s too far away and that it’s no longer convenient for me to see him since my office locale has changed.

Although the word “no” is generally associated with negativity, I am learning that it is an essential part of the vocabulary of a productive and purpose-driven individual.  Without the use of the word “no” you are likely to find yourself over-scheduled, over-committed, and over-stressed.  Trust me!

Until someone comes up with a way to slow the earth’s rotation, we will be limited to 24 hours in each day.  So it should go without saying that if you add new activities others will need to be removed. While I would love to appease everyone in my life that makes requests of me, it is simply unhealthy to neglect setting personal boundaries.  When I over-commit myself I’m tired, inefficient, and generally unhappy.  What good do those traits do anyone? 

I recently said “no” to a family member, and as I anticipated, they were not exactly happy with my response.  It may have taken me a couple hours to get over the hurt of what I perceive as a lack of compassion, but I must admit that the sting wasn’t as bad as I’d originally imagined. In fact, I think I’ll call my dentist.

This week has been a huge timesucking vortex.  I had so many things that I wanted to accomplish, yet only very few things were actually completed.

As I began my journal entry for yesterday I realized that I’d missed a very crucial element of setting goals.  You can’t just write a list and review it at the end of the day (actually you can…. I did, and felt very unaccomplished). There has to be a little more focus and effort.

I learned an acronym about 10 years ago that describes perfectly what real goals should look like: S.M.A.R.T.   Your goals need to be Specific, Measurable, Action-oriented, Realistic, and Time-bound.

So my new plan is go rewrite that list, but evaluate it and ensures it is in line with these “smart” guidelines.

This Saturday my family and I returned from an 11 day vacation in Florida.  It was beautiful, peaceful, and stress-free.  I got to hang out with my sons and watch movies with my husband.  I wasn’t listening for work calls nor staying up for implementations.  It was fantastic!

The closer it got to Monday (my return to work), the more tense I became.  I started getting headaches and pain in my shoulders.  I was dreading my return to work.  I prayed “Lord, why do I feel this way? I have a good paying job. It’s not physically hard.”  I felt unfulfilled.  Like my work is meaningless.  I called my friend, Nicole, and we talked about this feeling.  I told her that I have a dream (LOL).  I’d like to help kids like me: kids who’ve been abandoned, neglected, and/or abused.  I’d like to help women like my grandmother, who take in children when they barely have enough to provide for themselves.  I’d like to help married couples like my husband and myself, who come from broken homes with no direct example of how to care for a spouse.  Then Nicole said something profound…. “You want to keep others from feeling your pain, but have you been healed yourself?”.  Talk about a ton of bricks.

Nicole was right.  In fact, when I was seeing a counselor he gave me an assignment, which I refused to do.  He asked me to write a letter to my abusers. In the letter I was to confront them about the abuse and tell them how it made me feel.  Even though this letter was not intended to ever be delivered to the abusers, I couldn’t bare the thought of revisiting the abuse, so I never followed through.

Now I can see that I do need to work on healing.  I need to revisit the past and make my peace with these issues.  To be honest I have only tried to forget and didn’t expect to ever be able to forgive.  Even still forgetting is easier said than done!  Lately the memories have been viciously attacking me more than ever.  I’m done running from them and I’m ready to confront the past.

I decided to start keeping a journal (again).  Since I’ve started that a million times I knew there’d be a journal in my bedroom.  Only now I want I fresh start!  I decided to look for the journal I was given from my church’s Women’s Ministry during a previous Ladies Sleepover.  I found it and started reading the foreword.  As it turns out this is the journal that corresponds with the “Secrets of the Vine Devotional” by Bruce Wilkinson (author of “The Dream Giver”, which I highly recommend).  As it turns out the “Secrets of the Vine” series is based on John 15:1-2, 5, 8 16: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser.  Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit……..”.  How amazing is that?  I am feeling this overwhelming conviction to help God’s people and he literally starts plopping tools into my hands.

Who’s ready for fruit?  I know I am!